I realize I’ve been a little distant. Ok, I’ve gone completely dark. Four months and change worth of dark, to be exact. What can I say? There’s been so much going on around me that I haven’t had much time to focus on, well, me.
This lack of internal dwelling has been, I think, a good thing.
One year ago this week, I returned to work for the first time after my unfortunate incarceration at Hershey Medical Center’s ICU. Oh, I managed to get into the office once or twice before my big return, but driving in just to curl up on the sofa for a half-day nap isn’t quite the same as “return to work.”
July 2014 was a lost month, period. Most things I simply wasn’t capable of doing. Stuff I was capable of doing, I was prohibited from the attempt. I can’t even say that it gave me time to think. My medication, frankly, made serious thought impossible.
Frustration was the norm. And that frustration has, in some way, shape or form, stayed with me to this day.
So many doctors. So many tests. So many medications.
So many days when I count it a special blessing to crawl out of bed at all, let alone make it to the office and call dibs on the big comfy chair.
So few answers. To be honest, I’ve stopped looking for them. It’s not that I don’t care what happened or why. It’s just that, well, I have better things to do.
Such as, remember that my steps on this earth ARE numbered. Such as try to figure out how to make each and every remaining step count for something. My raison d’être is NOT to spend my life wondering what the @#$% my problem is.
My issues are not relevant to the situation. They’ve been, frankly, a distraction.
So many people in this world have real problems. So many people face issues that swallowing a few pills every morning simply can’t solve. I’ve spent the better part of a year wallowing when I should have been counting my infinite blessings.
And here’s the thing. Even after a year, I’m not logging 10,000 steps per day. There are times – far too many – when I’m not logging 10,000 steps in a week! I am grateful for the good(ish) health I enjoy, and I desperately want to get better. But I have come to accept that the 10,000 steps metaphor only (ahem) goes so far.
How many steps we have is a number God only knows. I’m finally starting to understand that what matters is what we do with each step we’re given.